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Hey, kids — it’s time to turn those “you can’t fucking smoke in the fucking bars in New York fucking City anymore, for fuck’s sake” frowns upside-down! Well, we at Deadly Nightshade Industries do know of one bar that still allows smoking, but we swore on roughly seventeen generations of dead relatives that we wouldn’t divulge its name or location to anyone, so it looks like the rest of you will have to find non-pulmonary distractions to amuse you in your local pub while chewing a wad of Nicorette the size of a volleyball — and what better way to bring friends together than with a nic-fitting speed round of the newest game from the Deadly Nightshade Industries Mean-Spirited And Kind Of Dumb Game Division: Drunk Bingo?
No, no, not “get drunk and play bingo,” although our R&D chief would like me to mention that he can’t think of a good reason why you shouldn’t do that too. What’s that? All right, “but it’s ten in the morning” is a pretty good reason, but, you know, besides that. Anyway, Drunk Bingo is not the same as playing ordinary bingo while drunk. In ordinary bingo, the game board consists of numbered squares. In Drunk Bingo, the game board consists of different kinds of drunk people — so, instead of putting a little marker doodad on, say, N15, you put it on the square that reads, “WOOOOOOO!” See? It’s easy, and fun for the whole family — even if the game board is your whole family!
But enough about the Holiday Edition — let’s play!
Using a pen, pencil, or cocktail stirrer dipped in body glitter, draw a five-by-five grid of squares on a piece of paper. Yes, you can use a napkin. Or a paper towel. No, that blonde girl’s business card is too small. What do you mean, “What about the blonde girl”? What about her? I mean, she seems nice, I gue– oh. Sure, if she says it’s okay. Maybe not so much with the Sharpie, though…oy, fine, she’s a voting adult, whatever. Five-by-five grid. Got it?
Okay. Now, fill in each square with a regulation Drunk Bingo™ type of drunk from the list below. For every five drunk squares you fill in, you may also fill in one square with a regulation Drunk Bingo™ type of bartender.
- Drunk Friends Bingo bingo card with Shirts off (2+), Roast joke is re-shared, Max does Gay Hitler, “Without we have nothing to talk about”, Gabe starts working out, Lip kiss, Group Hug with at least 6 people, Spilling a drink, Someone brings up how much we’re gonna change in the coming years and Lucas’s hygiene.
- Dec 23, 2013 - BINGO drinking game! Everyone choose a color and spin the balls and whose ever color is dropped they drink and refill the cup and just keep going till you run out of alcohol.
REGULATION DRUNKS
The grizzled guy huddled in umpteen layers of plaid, marinating himself in Sinatra and the Chieftains and entertaining thoughts of murder-suicide, thoughts which he utters aloud should you make the mistake of flipping past Frankie Sweet Music on the jukebox
“I love you man! I LOVE YOU MAAAAAAAAAAAAN! YOU! AND YOU! Wait, what’s your name, again?”
The middle-aged drunk uncle with the red-rinsed hair who looks like Allison’s icky dad on Melrose Place, enjoying half a dozen bourbons neat before the evening’s spree of bad touching
The Australian who has lived in the U.S. for fifteen years but still hates Americans, American beer, American soccer, American rugby, American youth hostels, the way Americans eat French fries, and American dictionaries that have a little picture of him next to the definition of “splenetic bellowing directed at no one in particular”
EITHER “What? I’m totally, totally fine. I’m fine. I’m fine!”
OR “I am NOT drunk, you big poopyhead poop”
OR “Ex-CUSE me but you are NOT my father and you can-NOT tell me WHAT TO DO and if I want another martini I will HAVE another martini, Mr. Man Guy”
OR “La la la la, you can’t catch m– whooooaaaa! I almost fell down! But I didn’t fall down! Yaaaaaay!”
FOLLOWED BY “I…I…[brrrraallf!]”
The bedheaded film fascists whose argument about Cassavetes has nearly reduced a couple of them to tears (whole table counts as one square)
Drunk Bingo Snapchat
“Would you care to dance, young lady? …Stuck-up bitch.”
The guy in the Hawaiian shirt over a thermal long-sleeved t-shirt who stands extremely close to you in order to share a number of insights he has collected on the subject of making snack cakes available for sale in bars, and the fact that you cannot understand a word he says proceeds from your ignorance and closed-mindedness on the subject of Little Debbie and not because he is slurring, and he guesses that’s your boyfriend coming back from the bathroom, so, wow, it’s such a coincidence, but at that exact moment the guy in the Hawaiian shirt needs to stride purposefully to the other side of the bar to speak to his friend about a matter of considerable urgency, no time to stick around and find out if it’s just your brother or a friend, or even say “goodbye” or “talk to you later,” and you could swear you see a Hawaiian-shirt-shaped cartoon puff of smoke as he flees the scene.
“Well, I think we should talk about it, because…what do you mean, ‘not now,’ why not? You always do that, you always push me away and, and, and invalue my emotions that I am having, that are very very real! You do too! Okay! Fine! Maybe we should! …Whaaaaaaaat? ‘OKAY’? So you WANT to see other people? How long have you felt that way? YOU ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! GOD! Ohhhh Gahhhhhd booooooo hoo hoo hoo hoooooo another appletini please boo hoo hoo hoo WHAT DID I DO WRONG WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME I DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAAAND!”
The so-drunk-he’s-legally-dead groom at the bachelor party, propped up in a corner booth by his Patron-swilling friends, posed for crude pictures by the friends, drawn on by the friends with lipstick, festooned with large novelty bra by the friends, and sold by the friends to the old man eating shepherd’s pie at the end of the bar for twenty bucks and a bottle of Jameson’s
The friends
The so-drunk-she’s-legally-dead maid of honor, so exhausted by the entire screechy ordeal that she’s hiding under a table and washing down raw penis-shaped pasta with her seventh cosmopolitan
The bride
The bride’s friends
The bride’s ribboned headdress, marooned behind the toilet
“I GET KNOCKED DOWN! BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU’RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!”
“Hi. Hi. Hi. Hiiiii. [urp] Hi.”
The couple that believes that, because they have their eyes closed and thus cannot see you, that you in turn cannot see them going for the TV-MA rating over there in the corner
Whoever is responsible for the dart and/or eight ball that just whizzed within microns of your head
REGULATION BARTENDERS
The barely-eighteen girlfriend or younger sister of the weekend bartender who needs detailed instruction on the assemblage of a vodka tonic, including the fact that it contains both vodka and tonic, and the proportions thereof, and the fact that traditionally the bartender doesn’t just hand the patron the requested lime wedge, or put it on the bottle of Amstel
Drunk Bingo
The friendly guy — good with buybacks and replenishing the bowl of snack mix, but not as good with letting you have your own conversation
The older lady who owns the bar, but who nevertheless should think about unscrewing that wig a few turns, because Animal Planet is great and all but it’s the ninth inning of a tie game for God’s sake
The slinky tattoo-sleeved Pratt Institute refugee with purple half-moons of hair dye under her fingernails who is genuinely too tragic to live, and for that reason had her name legally changed to Emily The Strange last year (also accepted in this category: any bartender with Edward Gorey tattoos)
The Bob, identifiable by his propensity for giving male patrons high-fives, side-fives, knuckle-fives, and finger-snaps (note: simply writing “Bob” in the square will not count — it is “THE Bob,” as he will no doubt remind you at some point by referring to himself in the third person)
The catalog model/actress/career bartendrix who suffers from a rare vision disorder which renders other women invisible to her
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The guy whom you really shouldn’t offer any help with the crossword, or in fact any attempt small talk at all, because he knows What They Say About Bartenders, but he don’t play that shit, so stick to pointing and grunting — and it’s very important to him that you understand that THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED ALREADY
“A Miller Lite? Oooooh, ain’t we the fancy one.”
Once you’ve got all your squares filled in, settle down in a corner booth at your local, designate a caller, and start playing — the first player to get five drunks and/or bartenders in a row horizontally, vertically, or diagonally wins! It’s just that simple!
Look out for our limited editions at a toy store or 99-cent store near you, including the All-Chipster edition, Junior Player My First Passionfruit Wine Cooler, and X-Treme Busted Knucklez with Mickey Rourke interactive timer — coming soon from Deadly Nightshade Industries!
April 7, 2003
Drinkers Only Bingo
Tags: drinking gamesGame night has always been a great excuse to get friends together for a night of drinking under the guise of communal entertainment. Pandemic or not, there’s no reason that such traditions have to come to an end. In fact, as many of us are starting to explore the wealth of free online gaming platforms, virtual hangouts, and other creative web-based solutions, we’re gathering socially and playing more games than ever before.
There’s a huge spectrum of games available, from classic board games and card games, to online versions of tried-and-true drinking games we all (vaguely) remember from our college days. One of the best places to start will be platforms set up for just such a purpose. Houseparty, for instance, has a handful of free games built into its video chatting app.
Jackbox Games has a huge collection of games, though these are for purchase, with “party packs” costing from about $10 to $20. There’s a wide range of other platforms, such as Board Game Arena, which touts 175 games, and Tabletopia, with over 900 board games, including a limited free membership and more expansive premium options. Tabletop Simulator is a paid system with rich graphics and animation, taking board games to the online screen. DrinkVirtually.com, meanwhile, is focused on your old-school drinking games, with over half a dozen options ready to go for your next virtual hangout.
Here’s a sampling of some of our favorite online games you can play with your friends.
Top Games to Play Online While Drinking
Battleship
Few things are more of a bummer than having to admit to your foe, “you sunk my battleship!” It’s a terrible psychological wound from a favorite childhood game, and it can be easily adapted to a drinking game by sipping whenever your opponent has a hit, and chugging or finishing a drink when a ship is sunk. There are simple, stripped-down versions of online Battleship available for free, as well as options available from aforementioned platforms such as Board Game Arena.
Chips and Guac
One staple of the free Houseparty game collection is Chips and Guac. It’s a word association game with one player serving as the judge in each round. The card dealt is the “chip” and answers from the other players are the “guac,” so the judge has to pick the best pairing, get it? To add some tequila to that chips and guac, the judge can also dole out drinks to her least favorite answers.
CodeNames
Sean Hudgins, a spirits publicist at Evins Communications, has been playing CodeNames, which features a word-based game board in which teams are given clues to guess the specific words that would earn them points. Full rules are available here. “As far as the drinking rules, we play so that the other team has to take a sip for every word you get right,” he says. “You take a shot for every one of the other team’s words you guess unintentionally, and if your team guesses the ‘bomb’ you have to finish your drink.”
Coronavirus Bingo
This 2020 Pandemic version of Bingo features fun, relatable squares, such as “anxiety,” “recorded a podcast,” and “drinking alone.” Play on your virtual hangout with users taking turns as hosts. Drink every time you get a square, or you don’t, or when you get Bingo, or when you don’t. It’s a pandemic, the rules have ceased applying, right? Everyone loves Coronavirus Bingo, just please, please, please, don’t host an in-person game at your local senior center.
Coronavirus Briefing Drinking Game
At TVDrinking.com, you can take part in the Coronavirus Briefing Drinking Game. The drinking prompts and rules are all provided on the screen, so all you need to do is watch live to get in on the fun. The site also keeps some of its “favorite” past briefings up as video clips, so you can go back and watch at anytime
Drunk Pirate
Drunk Pirate is a free online drinking game based around fast and easy prompts. A sample flip of the cards shows prompts such as having anyone with a beard taking a drink, anyone owning an Apple product, or anyone who’s kissed one of the other current players.
Gloomhaven
Craig Bridger, who works with The Dalmore as its director of malt specialists, West, and head of education, recommends Gloomhaven. “My friends and I, who normally meet regularly in person to play, love a game called Gloomhaven,” he says. “We found it on Tabletop Simulator and have been playing it there.” He’s more of a whisky sipper while playing as opposed to a drinking game participant, though that works for a game that’s more marathon than sprint. “It’s a bit tedious but still fun,” Bridger says. “Also, fair warning: The nerd level is high with that game.”
Heads Up!
Heads Up! is the classic game in which you’re holding a card to your forehead, and another player has to help you guess what it says. There’s a free version with four different decks included with Houseparty, and additional premium options available. If there are numerous people or teams playing together, consider the spectators assigning drinks to either the clue giver, or the guesser, of a losing round.
Hollywood Squares
Freelance journalist G. Clay Whittaker recently tried his hand at hosting Hollywood Squares on Zoom. “Zoom grids look a lot like the classic Hollywood Squares board,” he says. “As long as you’ve got enough friends for a full game, all you need to do is add trivia questions and you’ve got a couple hours of fun.” This is a game that requires a fair number of people, ideally 12, including the host. Refresh yourself on the rules of Hollywood Squares, and use something such as Quizlet for the trivia questions.
Kings
Kings is the O.G. of drinking games, and several different platforms have web-based versions, including the aforementioned DrinkVirtually.com. The specific rules for each card have been the stuff of Solo Cup-fueled debates for decades, though you’ll remember some of the classics such as: Categories, Rhymes, Rules, Question Master, and so forth.
Never Have I Ever
Never Have I Ever is one of the easiest drinking games to play online, because you don’t need any cards or equipment or anything else. Just load up your virtual hangout and get started. There are numerous lists of questions online, though everyone knows the real fun is embarrassing your friend with a question you know he’ll have to raise his hand and drink for, allowing you to share that one-time secret with the rest of your friends.
Poker
Paul Hletko, the founder of FEW Spirits, has been turning to online poker to help pass the days. Even better, he’s putting the game to use. “All of the buy-ins are donated to feed restaurant staff,” he says. Cheers to that. To make it an official drinking game, have each hand’s winner assign a drink; it could be to everyone who folded, or to someone she felt was bluffing, for instance. Use your favorite poker service or a simple web-based platform such as DonkHouse.com.
Power Hour
Who needs a silly thing like a “rule,” or a “game,” or a “reason” to drink? Just play Power Hour, where you have to take one sip of your drink every minute for a full hour. It’s one of the game interfaces available on DrinkVirtually.com, with features such as automatic timers, minute-by-the-minute gongs, and randomly assigned bonus drinks.
Quick Draw
Quick Draw is another of the free games available via HouseParty. It’s basically a virtual Pictionary that has you drawing on your phone. Whoever guesses correctly can assign drinks for each round to the other players, or if nobody guesses correctly, the artist can assign drinks instead.
Remote Insensitivity
Remote Insensitivity is a free, web-based version of Cards Against Humanity. Though it’s not affiliated with the actual game, the website PlayingCards.io uses a Creative Commons license for its version. To make it a drinking game, the person choosing each round’s winner can also choose one (or several) of her least favorite answers and have those players drink.
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Settlers of Catan
Joseph Mintz, the co-founder of Siponey canned honey cocktails, has been playing Settlers of Catan. “We play on Steam, which is an online gaming service for PC and Macs,” he says. An online version of the game can also be loaded on CatanUniverse.com. “We either have a conference call going or just have a group text on the side,” Mintz says. “For those familiar with the game, he suggests a few specific drinking rules. “Anytime the robber is placed on your hex you have to drink,” he says. “Anytime you build a settlement or a city, you have to drink. And anytime you use a development card you have to drink.”
Taboo
Taboo is another classic group card game, with each card having a word or phrase that must be guessed, and a set of forbidden words that the clue giver can’t use to help. All users can pull up the interface and just take turns as the clue giver. Drinks can be doled out when teams don’t guess correctly, when the clue giver messes up and mentions a taboo word, and when one team has enough points to win the game.
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Ticket to Ride
Hletko has also been playing Ticket to Ride, though he warns against its addictive nature and its strong potential to ruin your productivity goals for the day. “I’ve been playing Ticket To Ride online, and drinking every time the stupid commuter stupidly takes the last route available,” he says. “It’s a card strategy game where you try to build railroads connecting various cities, and there are only certain paths you can optimally take. Of course, the computer players always take your last route.”
Trivia
“My trivia group gets together every Wednesday night on Zoom to play on Jackbox games,” says Christina Mercado, beverage manager at The Vanderbilt, Auberge Resorts Collection, in Newport, R.I. “You can share the screen on Zoom and everyone can see it on their computer, then your cell phone becomes the controller. So it feels like you’re all in the same room playing together.” There are plenty of free trivia options available, such as the Random Trivia Generator, and one on Houseparty as well.
Words With Friends
When you want a quick online drinking game without logging onto a virtual hangout, just play Words With Friends with your favorite partner. Lowest scoring word for a block of, say, five turns or five minutes has to drink, or a player hitting on a coveted triple word score or another high bonus can make the other player drink.